October 13th, 2009 by admin
“Once when I was lost…I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them.? He said ….I don’t know kid…. there are so many places they can hide.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
October 13th, 2009 by admin
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
April 25th, 2009 by admin
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say, “That’s dynamite, baby.”
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
April 20th, 2009 by admin
I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
When my wife took her driver’s test, she was happy. She got 18 out of 20. Yeah, two guys jumped out of the way.
I saw my doctor last week, I told him, “Doctor, every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?!” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
My dad didn’t like my looks either. He carried around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
The other night my wife met me at the door in a see-through neglige. The only trouble is, she was coming home.
I was an ugly kid, too. How ugly? I was so ugly my mother breast-fed me through a straw.
April 13th, 2009 by admin
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
June 13th, 2008 by admin
Why do they have to sell toilet paper in 24 packs, people see you walking around the store with 24 rolls of toilet paper and they are probably thinking, geeze does that guy ever leave the bathroom? - Jim Gaffigan
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. - Chris Rock
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’. - Bob Newhart
I said to a guy, “Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?” And the guy said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?” - Bill Cosby
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? - George Carlin
June 12th, 2008 by admin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
February 10th, 2008 by admin
January 13th, 2008 by admin
January 7th, 2008 by admin