August 24th, 2009 by admin
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it while it’s running!
July 24th, 2009 by admin
A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”
The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”
“Two years,” says the man.
“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”
June 19th, 2009 by admin
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
“Nurse,” she hears him mumble from behind the mask, which somewhat muffles his voice, “are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet”
He struggles again to ask, and she hears “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Finally, the young nurse pulls back the covers, raises the man’s gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say’s, “there’s nothing wrong with them!”
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was pleasant but, are…my…test…results…back?”
June 16th, 2009 by admin
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Mary replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”
March 1st, 2009 by admin
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his
physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home
and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s
like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called
up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still
nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
December 31st, 2008 by admin
A guy and a gal meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes….how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a really good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Well yes, I’m a good dentist. How did you figure that out?”
“I didn’t feel a thing!”
December 21st, 2008 by admin
Patient: Doc, my problem is that I am a Kleptomaniac, I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it?
Doctor: Try this medicine…its for obsessive/compulsive disorders and has proven to be 95% effective…..and if it doesn’t work, well ……. I need a new video camera.
August 17th, 2008 by admin
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
“What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”
March 29th, 2008 by admin
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together!
Patient: Doctor Doctor, My wife thinks I’m crazy!
Doctor: Would you like fries with that?
Patient: Doctor Doctor, There’s a bit of lettuce sticking out my bum!
Doctor: That’s only the tip of the iceberg.
Patient: Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cat.
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Since I was a kitten.
Patient: Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I’m a tee pee and a marquee, whats wrong with me?
Doctor: You’re too tense…
March 29th, 2008 by admin
I went to the doctors yesterday and he told me I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. Well, he didn’t say it exactly, but we knew he was thinking it!