May 6th, 2010 by admin
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”
August 19th, 2009 by admin
Mike was sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and saw this beautiful woman sitting a few seats down. He smiles at her and she smiles back. When she was getting up from her seat to go talk to Mike another man walks up to her. Mike was caught off guard because the man wasn’t a very good looking man at all. Suddenly the woman and the ugly man walked out of the bar together giggling.
The bartender brings Mike his drink. Frazzled he asked the bartender “Are those two regulars?”
The bartender looks at him and said “Well the girl is, but I have never seen the man before.”
“Do you suppose their dating?”
“I don’t think so, they came in at seperate times and didn’t notice each other until now.”
“Did you hear anything they said?” Mike asked
To which the bartender replies, “I didn’t hear anything, but I did see him touch his ear with his tongue.”
February 15th, 2009 by admin
The first says: “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The second then starts: “That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink.”
Then the third pipes up. “You think that’s good? Where I come from, there’s this place called Murphy’s. At Murphy’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” say the other two. “That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies their friend, “but it happened to my sister!”
July 27th, 2008 by admin
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
June 19th, 2008 by admin
A drunk was staggering down the main street of the town. Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building,
where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle
and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and, figuring the
fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of
the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a grunt followed by
a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help my son?”
“I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got
any toilet paper on your side?”
June 6th, 2008 by admin
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
June 2nd, 2008 by admin
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “Whats all the screaming about in there?” he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet,” slurs the drunk, “and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts.”
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
May 30th, 2008 by admin
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, “Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!” The first guy responds, “Oh, it’s really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk.” “WOW!” exclaims the second man, “I gotta try that!”
So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, “Superman, you’re an asshole when you’re drunk.”
May 5th, 2008 by admin
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….
Man: “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”
Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”
May 3rd, 2008 by admin
A drunk staggered up to a man on the street.
Drunk, “Joe, is that you. Man, I haven’t seen you in years. You sure look different. You shaved your beard, dyed your hair. You grew a couple of inches and lost some weight, too.”
Man, “My name’s not Joe, it’s Roger.”
Drunk, “What, you changed your name, too!!”