January 1st, 2010 by admin

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU’RE A NERD

 16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

 13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

 4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

December 25th, 2009 by admin

December 24th, 2009 by admin

November 1st, 2009 by admin

October 12th, 2009 by admin

October 12th, 2009 by admin

Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

February 14th, 2009 by admin

I bought my wife a 2000 watt light bulb for Valentine’s Day. She didn’t like it at first, but when she turned it on you could really see her face light up.

February 14th, 2009 by admin

Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche!

Q: What did the cholcolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: “I’m sweet on you!”

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hogs and Kisses!

Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
A: “Be my valenstein!”

December 25th, 2008 by admin

December 25th, 2008 by admin