May 3rd, 2010 by admin

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

March 15th, 2010 by admin

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their necks in wet cement?

Not enough cement!

December 18th, 2009 by admin

Q. What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

February 8th, 2009 by admin

God calls up Satan it a wild rage.
“Listen here, Satan,” says God, “we just had Heaven surveyed, and it turns out that the fence around Hell is illegally extended 15 feet over Heaven’s property line.
“So what do you want me to do about it?” asks Satan.
“Move the fence!” shouts God.
“No way,” says Satan.
God says “I’m warning you! You’d better move that fence back 15 feet.”
“Or what?” asks Satan.
“Or I’ll sue!” thunders God.
“Oh yeah?” asks Satan, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

October 3rd, 2008 by admin

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman feeling guilty blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt rather than waste all the money he would send it to a Mission in South America.

He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope he admitted had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. “I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.”

“Indeed my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.”

September 5th, 2008 by admin

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions.” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes.” the lawyer replied, “What was your third question?”

July 21st, 2008 by admin

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

April 6th, 2008 by admin

• You met him in prison.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
• He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
• A prison guard is shaving your head.
• Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
• He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said . . .”
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
• Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25.”
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
• He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”

April 5th, 2008 by admin

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

April 3rd, 2008 by admin

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several
months.The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree
that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers
would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat
coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW,
I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there
floating in our direction.”

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re
hallucinating; you’ve finally lost your mind.”

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning
red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without
even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on
the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on
this God forsaken island for months now without a woman.
It’s been such a long, long time..
…So … do you think
we should .. well … you know … screw her?”

“Out of WHAT?!?” asked the other.