March 29th, 2010 by admin

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.” Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” Billy asks. “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. “A banana,” she says. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” “Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”

September 15th, 2009 by admin

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away, Little Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Little Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

“I wanna play ’Mommie and Daddy,’” Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Little Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you’re taking a nap.”

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, “Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

June 30th, 2009 by admin

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question, and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to come to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand
are on the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars
are in the sky?” And again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would
somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints
them black.

The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this
week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag on the floor, sending the
Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room.

The teacher shouts, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black
balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, “Bill Cosby!
See ya on Tuesday!”

May 31st, 2009 by admin

A woman brings eight-year-old Little Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Little Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother.. “He’s taken her appendix out!”

December 13th, 2008 by admin

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said, “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

December 8th, 2008 by admin

Teacher: “Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a
development that is currently being built near your home and what are the
advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher
asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: “Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your
parents concerning Little Johnny’s’ crude remarks. It is very likely that
tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you
all, to avoid any further problems – that if he says anything that appears
rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom.”
Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day -
Teacher: “Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anna .”
Anna: “Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn’t
have to walk so far to get bread and milk.”
Teacher: “Very good Anna! Yes – Suzie!”
Suzie: “Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a
carpenter and this permits him to work near home.”
Teacher: “Excellent, thank-you Suzie!”

At this point, little Johnny’s hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: “Oh
heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.”
Little Johnny: “Near my home, they are building a brothel.”
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says, “Hey relax sluts ………. it hasn’t opened yet!”

November 19th, 2008 by admin

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a
new 21 speed mountain bike.
“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he
asked.
“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth!” Johnny replied.
“Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over
to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

September 6th, 2008 by admin

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office…..but she belonged to
someone else…

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said “I’ll
give you a 1000 dollars if you let me have sex with you….” but the girl said
“NO”.

Johnny said “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.” She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…..so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says “ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.”

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins
the boyfriend calls and asks

“what happened……??”

She said “THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!”

August 31st, 2008 by admin

A couple with their young son, Little Johnny, decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while Little Johnny played in the water.

After a while Little Johnny came up to his mother and said, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mother said, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So Little Johnny went back to play. Minutes later Little Johnny returned and said, “Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy’s.

The mother said the same thing, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said,”Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!”

August 29th, 2008 by admin

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny’s mother and said, “Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?”

Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?”

“Well,” said Mary, “this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary.”