March 2nd, 2010 by admin
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”
To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”
January 17th, 2010 by admin
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor.” the husband said “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself!”.
December 26th, 2009 by admin
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
September 10th, 2009 by admin
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They “entertain themselves” for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it’s her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, “Hello? Oh, hi! I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you!
That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband. He was telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
August 14th, 2009 by admin
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, “Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, “Baby, I didn’t’ realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it’s still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs.”
August 7th, 2009 by admin
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”
July 30th, 2009 by admin
Just some ways you can show your special someone you’re a real man:
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.” This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. When she says that she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. If, I mean when, she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time later in the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Also, tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Now don’t call. That’s also quite funny!
7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When your g/f looks at you, stare into her eyes, mouth the words ‘screw you,’ and grab the other girl’s breasts. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can…now go make a sandwich”
9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she’s cold… but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, “If you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now, you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she’ll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order interrupt and say “No, she’s not hungry”. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts… and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I’m talking about.
21. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.
22. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
23. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.
24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one that much, but I think it’s funny.
July 25th, 2009 by admin
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, “That was incredible!”
He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said. “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal.”
July 22nd, 2009 by admin
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, “Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?” ________________________________________…
July 17th, 2009 by admin
Why we Split:
She told me we couldn’t afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking. Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn’t necessary, that’s what the beer was for! Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.
I don’t think she’s coming back…