June 28th, 2009 by admin
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
”Well, now,” says the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.”
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
”Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”
June 21st, 2009 by admin
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed..
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’
‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
June 4th, 2009 by admin
An old man is driving on a freeway when he gets a call from his wife. She says “Be careful there’s some lunatic driving the wrong way on the freeway.”
The old man says “It’s not just one…It’s hundreds of them!!”
May 2nd, 2009 by admin
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Cooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. “OK” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
Oh, good grief,” said Ethel, “Not the breathalyser again!”
March 1st, 2009 by admin
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his
physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home
and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s
like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called
up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still
nothing.’
The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
September 28th, 2008 by admin
A couple in their 60’s are celebrating their 40th anniversary. The wife says, “You know, on our wedding night, you made love to me 4 times. Now we hardly do it once a month.” The husband says, “I’ve still got it, sweetie and I’m game if you are!”
They go upstairs and the first time goes fine. The man struggles a bit the second time to finish and takes a short nap. He wakes up and strains, barely completing the third attempt. Taking another nap, he wakes up and barely manages the 4th go-round before collapsing into a deep sleep.
He wakes up late for work and rushes in only to be met by his irate boss. “Sorry sir, I guess my wife and I celebrated our anniversary at bit too much and I overslept this morning.”
“OK, I can understand that..but where were you yesterday and the day before?”
August 28th, 2008 by admin
There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a’ running.”
Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a’ running.”
The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a’ running.”
And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black.”
August 23rd, 2008 by admin
August 23rd, 2008 by admin
At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is… having friends.
At age 16, success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is… having sex.
At age 35, success is… having money.
At age 50, success is… having money.
At age 60, success is… having sex.
At age 70, success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is… having friends.
At age 80, success is… not peeing in your pants.
