May 4th, 2010 by admin

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, We’ll never forget you!’

March 19th, 2010 by admin

I’m a woman…….. and I think this is hilarious

March 13th, 2010 by admin

What is the difference between a dream and reality?

The same between a girlfriend and a wife.

December 23rd, 2009 by admin

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don’t have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.

It’s time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don’t really care.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, “Sometimes I forget to eat.” Now, I’ve forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother’s maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn’t wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? It shrinks two sizes.

It’s nice to live in a small town, because if you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s what I call a perfect day.

December 6th, 2009 by admin

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won’t leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says, “You’re driving too fast!” His wife says, “Stay to the left!”

After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, “Who’s driving this car – you
or your mother?”

November 23rd, 2009 by admin

Politically correct women descriptions…

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN

She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED

She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

October 20th, 2009 by admin

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

October 19th, 2009 by admin

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it.

October 17th, 2009 by admin

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

June 11th, 2009 by admin

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares, why is she outta the kitchen??