March 26th, 2010 by admin

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are a spendaholic please stay on the line for as long as possible. It’s £5 a minute for you.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969966969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

March 8th, 2010 by admin

Worlds Shortest Books:

• The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
• The Australian Book of Foreplay
• The Book of Motivated Postal Workers
• Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
• The World Guide to Good American Beer
• Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages
• Safe Places to Travel in the USA
• Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
• Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
• Contraception by Pope John Paul II
• Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
• The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex
• The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.
• Consumer Marketing Ethics
• Al Gore: The Wild Years
• America’s Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities for History Majors
• Detroit – A Travel Guide
• Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
• Easy UNIX
• Everything Men Know about Women
• George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
• Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
• The Amish Phone Book
• Great Women Drivers Of Today
• Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno
• Home Built Airplanes by John Denver
• How To Get To The Super Bowl by Dan Marino
• Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
• My Life’s Memories by Ronald Reagan
• Things I Can’t Afford by Bill Gates
• Things I Would Not Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
• The Wild Years by Al Gore
• Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific
• America’s Most Popular Lawyers
• All The Men I’ve Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
• Spotted Owl Recipes by the Sierra Club

February 25th, 2010 by admin

Children’s Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association

Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose

The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad

The Tickling Babysitter

A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides

Charles Manson Bedtime Stories

Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Babar Becomes a Piano

Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

David Duke’s World of Imagination

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Legends of Scab Football

Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina

Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can’t Remember the Endings to All of them

Ed Beckley’s Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom’s Purse

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes

The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That’s Bad

Dad’s New Wife Timothy

Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games

Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets

Why Your Moms “Flashlight” Vibrates

Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks

January 1st, 2010 by admin

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU’RE A NERD

 16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

 13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

 4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

December 14th, 2009 by admin

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a dog that….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

December 11th, 2009 by admin

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

09. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.

12. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “My thingy blew up”.

15. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

December 8th, 2009 by admin

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That’s what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you’re right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

December 1st, 2009 by admin

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family…

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”.

November 29th, 2009 by admin

These are the best of the best “Out of Office” automatic email replies out there…

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

I’ve run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.