January 31st, 2008 by admin

A woman is on a beach. She has no arms and no legs and she’s crying.

A man walks up to her and says “Why are you crying?” She says “I’ve never been hugged before”. He hugs her and leaves.

He comes back later and says “Why are you still crying?” She says “I’ve never been kissed before.” He kisses her and leaves.

He comes back again and says “Why are you still crying?” She says “I’ve never been screwed before.”

He picks her up and throws her into the ocean.
“There. Now you’re screwed.”

January 31st, 2008 by admin

January 30th, 2008 by admin

January 30th, 2008 by admin

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

January 30th, 2008 by admin

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: Wo
ATOMIC WEIGHT: 120 (more or less)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
USAGE: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
reducing agent known.
CAUTION: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: XY
COMMON NAME(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
ATOMIC WEIGHT: 180 +/-100
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young,
fresh samples.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.
USAGE: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
CAUTION: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

January 29th, 2008 by admin

January 29th, 2008 by admin

January 29th, 2008 by admin

• A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
  that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old
  (5-1/4″) diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
  failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
  had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
  to type the labels.
• A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
  longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
  water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
  and washing them individually.
• Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer
  to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
  discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
  in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
• Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press
  Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key
  is.
• An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get
  her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
  plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
  the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot
  pedal and nothing happened.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the
  mouse!

January 29th, 2008 by admin

Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn’t have one,
The POPE has one but doesn’t use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns’ was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s
what is it?

A last name ……..Were you thinking of something else?

January 28th, 2008 by admin