April 29th, 2008 by admin

April 29th, 2008 by admin

• Chuck Norris tried to learn Tai Chi, but he killed too many people in slow motion.
• Chuck Norris runs with scissors because only he can.
• Chuck Norris can pat his head, rub his belly, and jerk off at the same time.
• Chuck Norris is not allowed to sit in the side aisles on airplanes. His body is so dense, the plane is thrown off balance.
• Carrot Top was once roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. Pretty obvious, isn’t it?
• Chinese people think Chuck Norris is a god. Chuck Norris allows the smart people to live.
• Chuck Norris seldom flies anymore. His entire body is on the “restricted items” list.
• A mugger shot Chuck Norris 28 times in the head once. Chuck Norris laughed for so long that the mugger died of old age.
• Chuck Norris walked into a bar and roundhouse kicked the bartender, killing him. Then, at one of the tables, he roundhouse kicked a priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman. At the next table, he killed a blonde and her mother-in-law. Chuck Norris himself will admit he’s not good at telling jokes, if he ever admitted any weakness.
• Whatever ever you do don’t misspell Chuk Norris’ name or you’ll die before you can finish the sen-

April 29th, 2008 by admin

• 4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.
• Please honk if parts fall off.
• ROCK is dead
  Long live paper and scissors
• We are the people our parents warned us about.
• Run. Run. The paranoids are coming!
• Unless you’re a hemorrhoid, get off my ass
• I see dumb people…
• Dont hit kids. They have guns now.
• I love cats “they taste just like chicken”.
• Your body would look good in my trunk.
• I thought I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.

April 28th, 2008 by admin

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water with his suit on and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the drunk and says,
“Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher. I sure am!”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus my son?” the preacher asks.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not Reverend.”
The preacher now embarrassed & in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second and the folks waiting to be baptized start to worry
The preacher brings him out of the water and this time says in a harsh tone,
“MY GOD!, HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET!!???”

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher…
“Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

April 28th, 2008 by admin

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

April 27th, 2008 by admin

April 27th, 2008 by admin

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly ‘Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,’ replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe someone would f*** you twice.’ ‘Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

April 26th, 2008 by admin

April 26th, 2008 by admin

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,”replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

April 25th, 2008 by admin

LOL funny how mad some of them get!