November 30th, 2009 by admin

November 29th, 2009 by admin

These are the best of the best “Out of Office” automatic email replies out there…

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

I’ve run away to join a different circus.

I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.

November 28th, 2009 by admin

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

November 28th, 2009 by admin

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, “There’s a hell of a lot of steps here.”
The second drunk says, “I’ll tell you what’s worse, this hand rail is bloody low down”

November 27th, 2009 by admin

November 26th, 2009 by admin

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

November 25th, 2009 by admin

A lady says to the psychiatrist, “I think I might be a nymphomaniac.” He says, “I’ll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.” She says, “How much for all night?”

November 24th, 2009 by admin

November 23rd, 2009 by admin

Politically correct women descriptions…

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN

She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED

She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

November 22nd, 2009 by admin

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’

He yelled back, ‘OHIO STATE!’

And they say blondes are dumb!