March 31st, 2010 by admin

March 30th, 2010 by admin

The Next Cubicle

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
“Hey, hows it going?”
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, “Not too bad thanks.”
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
“What are you up to?”
Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, “Having a quick shit, what about you?”
He heard the voice again.
“Hold on, I’m going to have to call you back. There’s some wise ass in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say!!”

March 29th, 2010 by admin

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.” The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking.” Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. “Is it a peach?” Billy asks. “No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. “A banana,” she says. “No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it got a head on it.” “Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!” “Nope,” answers Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”

March 28th, 2010 by admin

March 27th, 2010 by admin

Simple Logic:

Teacher: ‘Name one animal that is found in the desert.’
Ren: ‘A camel.’
Teacher: ‘Good. Name another animal.’
Kelvin: ‘Another camel.’

March 26th, 2010 by admin

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are a spendaholic please stay on the line for as long as possible. It’s £5 a minute for you.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969966969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

March 22nd, 2010 by admin

March 21st, 2010 by admin

March 20th, 2010 by admin

A train engineer was drinking with some friends of his when they asked him to tell a railroad story. He thought about it for a minute and decided upon a good one.

“I had stopped in a town not far from here and was unable to continue due to a reported obstruction on the track. I decided to proceed along the track to see what the hold up was. I had gotten about half a mile when I came upon a woman, naked and tied to the tracks. I untied her and man we had sex every way you can imagine…”, said the engineer.

“Wow, that’s amazing! Tell me, did she give great head,” inquired the friend.

“I don’t know,” replied the man, “we never found it.”

March 19th, 2010 by admin

I’m a woman…….. and I think this is hilarious